Overcome Silence Around Sex
Disability Pride Month is here, and at LAST we honor the need for spaces that uplift every body, every story, and every voice.
From Avoidance to Action: How to Overcome Silence Around S*x in Your Relationship
By Jamie Azar, Certified S*x, Relationship, and Intimacy Coach
Our s*x lives aren’t separate from all other facets of our life: our physical, mental, emotional and spiritual wellbeing, work life, family life, domestic life, hobbies, beliefs, and values are all interconnected. Like a puzzle, a shift in one piece can change the entire picture. Having an awareness of the ways in which changes in your life can affect your overall desire and interest in s*x can be a great place to start in cultivating agency over the roles pleasure and s*x play in your life in general.
A s*xless marriage isn’t a problem unless partners want to be having s*x. The disconnect and frustrations experienced by both or all partners can lead to a snowball of effects: subtle or persistent tensions or arguments, resentment, silence, disconnect, or even insufferable loneliness. Many people are left to grieve what they believe is a life of pleasure and s*x, gone extinct- which can bring grief, shame, guilt, and feelings of helplessness.
Believe it or not, oftentimes, the fears we’ve manifested and walls we’ve built up around ourselves, our partners, our pleasure, and our s*x lives, are remedied through simple solutions (I said simple, not easy). If historically you haven’t talked about s*x in your relationship, many people don’t know how to share their true desires or fantasies with another person, even our partners and spouses. These aspects of us can feel deeply personal.
However, if you’re ready to move from avoidance to action, here are 3 ways you can reawaken connection, pleasure, and sustainable intimacy in your relationship.
Name the Silence Around S*x
That’s right. Talk about not talking about s*x. This can be a great way to ease into more elaborate discussions about desires, fantasies, and other complexities of your s*x life later on.
When they’re open and available, acknowledge your feelings and share them with your partner(s). Perhaps you explain to them how you’ve been thinking about ways to build more connection and pleasure into the relationship because you miss connecting with them. Emphasize how you’d like to create more space for s*xual communication and invite your partner(s) to share how they’re feeling about that. It’s okay to feel a little uncomfortable and awkward. You can even be transparent about those feelings along the way.
The goal here is to break the silence and shift the patterns of avoidance by having intentional conversations that target and heal the root of disconnection. At the end of the conversation, thank your partner(s) and share that you’d love to continue the conversation. S*x doesn’t have to happen yet. At this point, the goal is to start talking about it often!
Talk About Initiation
Initiation and transition into sexy time can be barriers for many partners, especially long-term partners who live together. Share how you like to initiate and how you like your partner to initiate physical contact and intimacy. Whether it is through verbal initiation, “I want to feel close to you tonight, can we make space for each other?” Or nonverbal initiation, like light, lingering touches while passing by, or playful or creative, like leaving a sexy note for your partner. Brainstorm the ways you’d like to keep an atmosphere of foreplay, connection, and flirting alive. Yes, this takes a little intention and effort, yet co-creating a foundation for on-going playfulness and intimacy can help ease the transitions and build the bridges into more erotic, sensual, or s*xual experiences. Acknowledge your partner’s actions as bids for connection and consider initiation an invitation. These acts of affection or care should exist outside of expectation, pressure, or goals.
Plan Pleasure Days
Though the frequency of having s*x doesn’t matter so much as the quality, there are studies proving relationship satisfaction increased as couples had s*x up to once a week. But past that frequency, more s*x didn’t add any additional satisfaction. Novelty, or trying something new has also been proven to increase satisfaction and interest in s*x. Fun fact! Couples who try new things together are 37% times more likely to want s*x. Novelty strengthens desire through the "Coolidge Effect." Research highlights that s*xual arousal naturally diminishes with repetition but can be refreshed with novelty, new positions, scenarios, or sensory experiences, not necessarily entirely new partners. Plan pleasure days once a week, or at a frequency that works for you, and consider how to build in something new or different from time to time. What time of day works best for you and your partner(s)? Are you into morning play, a little afternoon delight, or do you like to play after dark? Though it varies for everyone, many people cite being too tired at night to have s*x. Luckily, there are 24 hours in a day! Get creative!
Closing Thoughts
Like anything else in our lives, great s*x takes communication, effort, intention, and we have to make time for it. It starts with naming the silence and acknowledging how avoidance has bred disconnect in your relationship, and the suffering that’s caused. Prioritizing on-going conversations about s*x, alternating initiation, and planning pleasure days can alter the fabric of your relationship. Believe it or not, the first step towards having better s*x is talking about it. And you don’t have to do it alone.
Our amazing therapists and coaches at LAST are here to help normalize, destigmatize, and facilitate the healthy narratives and conversations around s*x and intimacy. We would love to support you on your journey. You can meet the team at the link below!
S*x Worker Support Group TONIGHT 5 pm PST!
Cost & Attendance:
Free to attend and open to all current and former s-x workers (18+) regardless of state of residency or immigration status.
Please note: a brief screening may be required for non-clients to ensure our group remains a s-x worker-only space
Peer-led support group for current and former s*x workers ONLY. Hosted by Rebecca Renee Faust, AMFT
Every other Monday, 4pm-5pm PST
WE MEET TONIGHT!
See you there!
DO YOU WANT A CAREER AS AN INTIMACY COACH?
Find out if the Pleasure Psych Intimacy Coach Training is right for you
LAST Founder, Moushumi Ghose, MFT created Pleasure Psych to break down the gatekeeping that has too often kept sexuality, mental health, and personal growth out of reach for so many.
Healing, pleasure, and empowerment should never be reserved for the privileged few.
Pleasure Psych exists to make these essential experiences accessible, inclusive, and liberating for everyone.
As part of this commitment, we offer scholarships and equity pricing for Queer, Black, Indigenous, Trans, disabled, and people of color—because inclusion isn't just a buzzword; it’s a practice.
Especially during Disability Pride Month, we honor the need for spaces that uplift every body, every story, and every voice.
Disability Pride Month
Why We Need Disability Awareness
Disability awareness matters because disabled people deserve to be seen, heard, and included—not just during Disability Pride Month, but always. Too often, ableism is invisible, and accessibility is an afterthought. By raising awareness, we challenge stigma, break down barriers, and create a world where every body and every mind is valued, respected, and celebrated.
Hope to see you soon!